I’m Getting Too Old For This Shit

Yeah, I know, it’s been a while since I’ve written a post. I just finished 5 weeks of leave which allowed me to be home for my first xmas in 4 years. I had good intentions of updating the blog while I was there but beer and blogging don’t mix well.

A Third World Culture With First World Money

I got back into KAF yesterday which was Jan 1, 2012. J and I were on the same flight and New Year’s struck as we were taxiing into the gate at Dubai International. We celebrated with a Big Mac meal each from the shitty airport McDonald’s (The burgers are dry and tough which I guess is how the cows get revenge for being tortured to death the halal way). It was about 1:00 AM by the time we got to our rooms in the airport hotel leaving us a solid 3 hours of sleep before our 4:00 AM wake up calls. We would have been to our rooms a little earlier but for an apparently very important Arab asshole who just had to push in front of us at the security checkpoint.

Our flight to KAF wasn’t scheduled to leave until 7:30 but one is supposed to check in at the transfer desk 3 hours before flight time to allow for the ride over to terminal 2. We dutifully showed up at 4:30 only to be told that they won’t check us in for another 45 minutes. We resignedly sat on the floor as the very few seats available were taken. About 30 minutes later a guy showed up and started calling out names and handing out boarding passes. Our names weren’t called and he asked “Have you checked in yet?” I thought “What the fuck? You told us 30 minutes ago that we couldn’t check in for 45 minutes and we were sitting 30 feet away from you the whole time and you never said ‘hey, time to check in’, you son of a bitch” and I said “No, may we do so now please?” So we missed the first bus and had to take the second. This shithole is always like this. I dislike Dubai intensely. To quote a man of great wisdom, Dubai is a “hideous Islamic backwater with pretensions of grandeur and civilization which are unwarranted.” While some may think this harsh, I’m an apostate and I have a problem with any culture which calls for my beheading…I don’t think I’m being unreasonable.

I’m Not Pushing 50, I’m Pulling 40

Having survived Dubai despite carrying a copy of The Portable Atheist in my carry on, I got back into KAF just in time for my 49th birthday on Jan 2nd. Maybe my disappointment with my birthday meal at IH is just because it came on the heels of my wild, sodium and fat filled New Year’s celebration or because my taste buds have not yet been reset to the KAF quality baseline…but I’ll bitch about it none-the-less.

Warning: May not contain pork

I opted for the grilled pork chop and scalloped potatoes along with one chicken wing and two things labelled Ckn Mini Balls. I figured the “Ckn” meant chicken but the “may contain pork sign” caused me some confusion especially as I noticed that the pork chop did not carry this warning. The pork chop was, inexplicably, completely tasteless. It did not taste like pork so I assume that the absence of the “may contain pork” sign next to it was actually accurate…which, of course, causes me some trepidation as I consider “if not pork…then what? How (and why) do they take the pork taste out of pork? Hey, DFAC guys, use your powers for good and not evil…get the green bean taste out of the green beans and leave the goddamn pork alone.

Warning: May contain pork and deliciousness- Fuck you, Leviticus

As an aside, I made a pork roast en croute while at home. I found that leaving the pork taste in the meat actually produced a better meal. I don’t like to brag but I am such an excellent cook it would be a disservice to my readers and be lying by omission if I were not to trumpet my awesomeness.

All of the great meals my wife and I made at home are sure gonna make acclimatizing to KAF shite pretty difficult. You can expect a lot of whinging in the next few blogs but I know ya’ll enjoy that more than when I’m all sweetness and light.

Chicken, pork, whatever...they were alright.

The Ckn Mini Balls were pretty good. They sure tasted like chicken and they were, surprisingly, filled with something akin to ranch dressing. “Where the fuck was the pork they warned the anti-piggites about,” you ask? I don’t know, but I hope it shows up in my bacon tomorrow.

The scalloped potatoes were deliciously salty after I covered them with delicious salt. Before that they were a nondescript mush.

A Moment on the Lips, a Lifetime on the Nips

New Vs Old

A Zero-Sum Game?

A is once again trying to turn over a new leaf in his eating habits while D is steadfastly maintaining his allegiance to the old leaf. To give D some credit, he does have some brussel sprouts hidden under his enchilada, chicken wings and onion rings. And to give A some discredit, the huge scoop of cheesecake-like substance he had for dessert kinda undermines his green-leafy entre. Maybe he thinks that god-awful soy milk balances it out. He sure must be dedicated to this new healthy life-style to put up with that disgusting taste. Or, perhaps, he just wants to shave less and have a more voluptuous figure.

Coming Soon

I’ve got a lot of notes to turn into blogs and you should see posts on my trips to Montenegro and New York City, US Thanksgiving in KAF (yeah, it’s late, big whoop, wanna fight about it?), along with my long awaited Toilets of the Former Yugoslavia exclusive and, of course, on going commentary on KAF food including the new Downtown Cafe. Stay tuned…I’ve got 57 more evenings to kill before my next break.

Yay! Cake!

Bottom Line

Happy Fucking Birthday to Me. At least I had cake.

“The way I see it, you should live everyday like its your birthday.-Paris Hilton”

Shitty pork in a war zone everyday? Fuck you, Paris.

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7 thoughts on “I’m Getting Too Old For This Shit

  1. First off….Happy Birthday….we didn’t know. Second, I would have to drink gallons of soy milk per day in order to see any figure change (there are a number of health benefits from soy, moderation is key….vs a couple of nut cases)….however, humm, shaving less sounds good, I hate shaving.
    A

  2. LOLOL Oh, how we have missed your insightful and witty commentary…

    I wholeheartedly agree with each and every word you typed regarding Dubai…

    I never did care for those Ckn Mini Balls, but really liked the beef ones. But now that I’ve been home for several months, I imagine if those mini balls landed on my plate in a restaurant in the States (even here in KY), I’d send it back or run screaming from said establishment. 🙂

    Oh, I celebrated a birthday over the holidays as well – 50 – but it was with family in DC and wonderful despite hitting the half-century mark. Hope you got some of that yummy lemon drizzle cake for your birthday treat!

  3. Mark, entertaining as always. Laugh out loud funny. If it makes you feel any better, my recent 49th birthday was not much better and I’m in CT. Although I did have beer available. All the best and stay safe, from that food.

  4. I cant believe this was your first day back!! It sounded like the end of a ROTO with your sarcasm!! Great job! The Fuck You Paris was perfect!

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