Lies, Damn Lies, and DFAC Menus

Another KAF-tastic week under my belt; just six more days til I go on leave. My mood has begun fluctuating wildly between bemusement, disgust, elation, confusion and disgust. Not an uncommon occurrence for any long-in-the-tooth KAF-ite as the end of a roto nears. On the bright side, M has released a new improved version of the DFACOmatic but then there’s all that stuff on the other side. But first, how about some Zeppelin?

Good Times, Bad Times

Good Times, Bad Times

That’s Gotta Hurt

I think I see track marks

I think I see track marks

M got the sausage at Cambridge the other day. You may recall that M is a guy who finds almost all KAF food to be either “really good” or “not bad” …levels of praise sane people rarely use around here. Much to my surprise, M took one bite of the sausage and pronounced it awful. “I don’t know what it tastes like but it doesn’t taste like sausage; it just tastes bad” he managed to squeak out from beneath his grimace. D, our font of arcane knowledge, intoned “I once watched a documentary about heroin addicts and there was a guy who routinely injected himself in the penis. His looked almost exactly like that sausage”. (Yes, this is a thing) “Ugh…now I feel kinda nauseous…like more than my usual post DFAC dinner nausea, thanks D”, I said as I snapped the obligatory photo. “Unless you’ve put some of it in your mouth you shouldn’t feel so bad about it” M added indignantly.

Yeah, So?

I am Canadian

I am Canadian

On my last roto, I exercised every day…treadmill, pushups, squats and shit. I even tried to eat more healthily. This roto, I replaced my afternoon workout with a nap which is, unsurprisingly, much more satisfying. I’ve also replaced non-bacon food groups with bacon. J, after watching me make a heaping bacon and tomato sandwich for, like, the 10th breakfast in a row, offered “They’re going to study your corpse for years. ‘Um, professor, what was the specimen’s diet again?’ ‘It appears to have been exclusively bacon’.”  You expect me to turn down the 8 or 9 slices the Northline bacon guy offers me every day?

You've won this round, my friend.

You’ve won this round, my friend.

I suppose I should consider getting back into the whole stupid exercise thing. Every time I go for a water at the Cambridge, my first tug on the fridge door results in nothing but embarrassment and I have to redouble my efforts to get the damn thing open. Then I always do that quick loser look to the left and right to see if anyone noticed. Someone always has. Fuck.

Microwaste

A minute in the microwave for this?

A minute in the microwave for this?

So I raved about how good the hotdogs at the Monti were a few weeks ago, due mainly to the availability of a microwave to artificially undustify the buns. So, at IH a few days ago, I got a hotdog and a rock hard bun and set about looking for the microwave that I fucking know used to be there. It’s gone. Yeah, thanks for removing that little convenience from my life, IH. Then at the Monti a few days later, I espied the lobster and thought “Hmmm, I’ll use the microwave to melt me some butter”. Turns out either the Monti’s butter has a melting point far about that of aluminum or the microwave is fucked. Butter should not be solid after 15 seconds in a microwave on high, much less the one full minute I eventually tried. Didn’t fucking matter anyway, the damn lobster needed a hell of lot more than butter to make up for its superball-like consistency.

And why not just call it Golden Nougat?

And why not just call it Golden Nougat?

Reasonable Fascimile

Following the disappearance of the delicious drums of ice cream at the Northline and, as a prelude to its current complete ice creamlessness, they had ice cream bars for dessert. Fucking eh, right? Yeah, it’s a desert and there’s a war on…blah, blah, blah but, come on, we all know that “chocolate flavour coating” is code for “waxy brown stuff”. They kind of sucked in a delightful sort of way.

Ideal for tactical douchebaggery.

Ideal for tactical douchebaggery.

Versatility

We asked our head office to send us some specific badass flashlights but little did we know how badass they actually were. Sure, the flashlights alone were fine; they illuminate tight spots so our techs can do whatever the fuck it is our techs do. I suspect they  could also add quite a bit of heft to one’s fist for a punch to a face. But the best part of the deal are the free “Tactical Pens” that came with them. I mean, how many times have you been signing a Christmas card or writing a heartfelt letter home and suddenly found yourself needing to stab someone in the throat? I know, lots, right? So, if you’re in the civilian camouflage wearing, Confederate flag license plate mounting, never been to a war zone demographic, this is the pen/flashlight set for you!

I got nuthin' to say.

I got nuthin’ to say.

Umm…No.

So, what’s next Northline? Vegan cheese-omelets? Maybe some nut-free cashews? Who was it that fucking typed up that menu with nary an inkling that something wasn’t right?

Finally, The Bright Side

M has just published the newest update to the DFACOmatic and I’ve got to say the changes are pretty earth shattering. He’s made it IOS 7 compliant, which, as far as I can tell is just a big “Fuck You” to those of us running old IPods that can’t run IOS7. However, for those of you who aren’t trapped in 2010, the new version provides access to the menu for 4 of the 7 KAF DFACs for that day.

Why only 4, you ask? Well, as I mentioned before, I have an inside source who steered me to the US Army 28-day fantasy DFAC menu. We asked random DFAC dudes at each of the DFACs which day of the menu they were on. As far as we can tell, IH, Monti, Northline and Niagara are always on the same day of the cycle while Cambridge, Lux and Far East are on a different “NSPA” menu about which a random Cambridge DFAC guy said “oh no, I can’t tell you about that. They don’t tell that to anybody.” Yeah, I know, I don’t get it either.

So, what does this all mean? Well, through what can only be described as sorcery for which I am sure he will suffer eternal damnation, M has successfully incorporated access to this menu into the DFACOmatic and it automatically displays the choices for each day. Be warned, however, that the relationship between the published menu and what is at the DFAC appears to be tenuous at best. In fact, a white-coated Northline guy told me that much of the stuff on the recommended menu isn’t even being ordered anymore and we “won’t be getting lobster again”. “Thank fuck” I thought as I sadly shook my head.

Look for the update on the Apple App Store over the next several days.

Bottom Line

With that out of the way, I’m leveling off at disdain…and I like it.

“I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don’t.” – Steven Wright

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3 thoughts on “Lies, Damn Lies, and DFAC Menus

  1. Its tough enough to get good Lobster at most places, let alone a war-zone… I would’ve thought the better option would’ve been to say “I know what, lets not even attempt to do something like Lobster, which unless done perfectly, is always gonna be bad…”

    • I’m from Nova Scotia, 10 minutes from the Bay of Fundy. We get our live lobster for $4.50/lb from the guy parked at the liquour store. His sign reads “Live Lobester” and “Scollaps”. We’re a quaint bunch.

  2. Yeah, I thought that fish as a vegitarian seclection at lux was amusing too. Perhaps they only use vegan fishes, unlike the Cambridge which might use meat eaters.

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