So my new healthy lifestyle really hasn’t kicked in yet. Turns out I kinda hate healthy lifestyles. But first, what better way to whet your appetite than some garbage smoke from the KAF incinerator. Now that poo pond is winding down, it’s comforting to know there is still this pervasive pollutant in the air.
My downfall began at a contractors meeting hosted by the British contracts management cell last Saturday. Just as we were about to get started, the meeting organizer handed out 4 or 5 cylindrical bags of chocolate chip cookies. One is handed right to me. Everyone else handed a bag put it, unopened, on the table in front of themselves. I glanced around, noticing that I was the only one with a bag still in my hand. “Fuck it, I’m hungry”, I thought and opened the bag as unobtrusively as I could…which was pretty obtrusively. I grabbed a cookie and, attempting to get some back up, I offered some to the nice Filipino lady next to me. “Oh, no, no…thank you”. Fuck! I offer some to the people behind me to be met with palms raised accompanied by head shakes and what could have been non-verbal rebukes.
Feeling a little self-conscious and a lot like another cookie, I bit into my second one resulting in a cascade of crumbs over my shirt as the meeting started. Pseudo-surreptitiously brushing them away, I thought “Well, that was embarrassing. I had better put them in my mouth whole from now on”. This isn’t as bad as it sounds…they were small cookies; however, I couldn’t help but notice a look of either disgust or awe on the face of my Filipino friend as cookies 3 through 8 disappeared into my maw. It’s wasn’t my fault. I didn’t bring the cookies.
I Dunno, It Just Happened
The next day, I went into the PX to buy some razors. They had Gillette Mach 3 (the only kind you can get here) in packs of 4 or 5. The 5 packs were around $16 while the 4 packs were $11.55. I stood there in middle-aged befuddlement for a while trying to figure out why I couldn’t figure out which one was the best deal and when my brain had gotten so old. Eventually I decided that the 4 pack was something <$3/cartridge and the 5 pack was something >$3/cartridge. Finding this pricing scheme and my inability to come up with a more precise answer somewhat odd, I grabbed the four pack. It was then I noticed that the 5 pack had only English writing on it while the 4 pack had some Arabic. Ugh…third world razors. It’s not that I have anything against the third world. I just don’t like it. I bought the 4 pack anyway because I’m cheap but, after the Froot Loops debacle, I distrust the quality of anything with Arabic writing on it. Well, at least it’s not shave day for 4 days. Hey D, if I’m not out for breakfast on time on Saturday, check the bathroom and bring dressings.
So, one minute I’m standing there in front of the razors trying rather unsuccessfully to do grade 3 math and the next thing I know, I’m driving towards my room surrounded by empty Slim Jim and miniature chocolate bar wrappers and feeling somewhat nauseous. You see, one has to walk right by the massive junk food aisle to get to the toiletries. I musta just blacked out from low blood salt and sugar. I have a vague memory of espying the Original Caramel Waffles on a table next to the check out line. Waffles in a bag? How could I not buy them? Have you ever eaten a piece of cardboard soaked in corn syrup and white sugar? Yeah, they’re like that. So I bought Pringles and Sour Gummies too…whatever… fuck off.
There was this very thin woman in the North Line for lunch the other day. She was obviously a vegetarian but, holy christ, did she ever have a lot of food on her plates! A heaping full sized plate of every veg available + four bowls heaped with non-meat shit. I asked her if I could take a picture of her tray for my blog and, with the level of disdain which only Eastern Europeans can attain, she replied “No, no, nooooo!” I wish you could have seen it all. She polished it off and then went back and got too more bowlfuls! As thin as she was, A mused that maybe she would be purging after lunch…but who the fuck would binge on vegetables?
What’s That Sheet?
A’s still flaunting his self discipline and healthy habits right in front of me. At breakfast a couple of days ago, he pulled out a little bottle of what looked like KAF dust. “What the hell is that?” I asked. “It’s flax seed. It’s high in fibre”. “You eat fucking linen just so you can poop better?” I wondered slightly louder than I probably should have. “Linen is made out of the stock while this is made from the blah, vitamin, blah, blah, % of Canada’s GDP, blah, blah, farmed in North Dakota, blah, colon, blah” A went on (or something like that). D, bless his soul, interjected with “my girlfriend buys sacks of that shit. I got some on my hand once. I didn’t like it”.
Not Fucking Awesome
Despite my policy of not liking any music made after Bon Scot died, I find myself quite fond of the song Thrift Shop. It’s got a good beat and you can dance to it. Anyway, I heard it on BFBS radio yesterday. They changed the refrain from “This is fucking awesome” to “This is awe-awe-awesome“. Yeah, great, because soldiers have never heard the word fuck before. Hey, BFBS, the Puritans called, they want their arbitrary 17th century morality back.
Pastries and Civility
Hey, two thumbs up for the Danish soldier at the North Line at breakfast a couple of days ago. He put his toast in the toaster, stood back and ensured others (i.e. me) could use the toaster unimpeded. Denmark rocks!
A at the Monti: “The sign on the spicy pasta salad is 2/3 correct”.
D (watching golf on the North Line TV): Maybe there’s a mediocre pro golfer somewhere I could caddy for. It doesn’t have to be Tiger Woods or anything”.
Me: I think there’s more to caddying than just handing the guy the club he asks for. I think it’s pretty hard.
D: Aww, fuck it, then.
I’ll start getting healthy tomorrow.
“I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” – Mae West