The first annual KAF Pizza Challenge is complete. As M so eloquently put it “Well, we got that over with.” It was a bit of a debacle but we managed to get some pretty informative data and I have declared a winner.
But first, let’s talk some process. As I’m sure you can imagine, much rests on the outcome of this competition. Businesses could be made or lost. I am not unaware of the awesome responsibility that comes with the vast influence I wield. Consequently I put a lot of effort into development of the rating criteria and associated algorithm…well, at least until I got bored about 10 minutes in. You can see the forms we used at right. The rating scale was 1- “Shite”, 2-“Meh”, 3-“Better Than A DFAC”, 4-“KAF-Good”, with 5 reaching the exulted KAF heights of “Adequate”.
We met at 1815 and developed our plan of attack. L was sent off to Pizza Hut which is way over at McChrystal Light as a continuation of her penance from a previous dinner. Much to my chagrin, M said he’d take Mamma Mia’s. I kinda wanted that one just so I could see everyone’s faces when I got the pizza with the fried egg on it. I took Kabob House while A was assigned to Deli Fresh. All personnel were advised to note the time it took from initial arrival at the target vendor to having a pizza in hand.
The ordering experience varied somewhat for each of us. M and L both had TVs to watch while they waited. M thought that was perhaps a net minus for Mamma Mia’s as they were playing the show “The Voice” or as M calls it “Some dumbass talent show”. L reported her server as being very good in that “he smiled, didn’t smell and was patient with me despite the queue…but he fucked up the actual order”. She had asked for a Super Supreme Pan Pizza with jalapenos but no beef. It had beef. M doesn’t seem to like and/or notice people so provided no input on his server’s demeanour or if they even actually existed but he did proudly tell me over and fucking over again that the pizza was ready in 8 minutes and 3.1 seconds as if he had something to do with that.
At Kabob house, the young woman serving me was very patient and seem to feel sorry for me because I’m too stupid to know how to properly order a pizza. I ordered a small “Manager’s Special”. She rung it in ($13) and I handed her $20. Then, I had to ask “How big is the small pizza?” “About the size of a paper plate”, she replied. “Fuck, we’d agreed upon ordering 12” pizzas. How big is a paper plate? Gotta be smaller than a 12″ pizza. How big is a 12″ pizza? Fuck, I can’t remember. Why is this pizza woman looking at me so pityingly? Is my confusion showing? Ahhhhhhggggg!” I thought. What I should have said is “How big is a paper plate”…but all I managed to sheepishly stammer out was “Um, is it, um, too late to change that to a large Manager’s Special?. “No, sir, but it’s $25″, she said with an intonation that implied she thought someone of my limited life skills would be unable to afford that much. “Ok, ok, please make it a large” I said, handing her another $10. The fucking thing was huge.
I got back to our designated meeting area over by Downtown and was surprised to see both M and L waiting for me. My pizza was ready in 17 minutes which I thought was pretty impressive until M began his ceaseless braggadocio on behalf of Mamma Mia’s and L told me Pizza Hut took only 13 minutes. Then we waited for A….
Then we waited some more….
And some more…
The pizzas were rapidly cooling. Both M and I thought we should at least try each of them while they were still hot but L vetoed that. “It’s A’s birthday. We can’t eat without him. Besides, this whole thing is about enjoying the pizzas together”, L preached. “I thought it was all about getting something to write about in my blog”, I suggested while M thought it was “about eating pizza for dinner”.
So 40 minutes from the time A and I had ordered, I called him. “Got the pizza yet?” “If I had the fucking pizza I’d be there…(mumble, mumble….click).” I called him a second time about 10 minutes later with similar results. You’d think he’d appreciate my concern. Anyway, A finally got his pizza 1 hour and 17 minutes after ordering it! It turns out they fucked up making it the first time. They started making it again…then mistakenly gave it away as part of a much larger order. A complained to the manager and eventually got the pizza gratis. He didn’t look too happy when he showed up. Happy Birthday A!
M had ordered the “Hawaiian” pizza from Mamma Mia’s. In the real world this means ham and diced pineapple. We probably should have rated it higher on the originality scale due to their imaginative use of only 3 full pineapple slices artfully arranged so only every second piece had any and then that was all it had. What was purported to be ham was similarly put on every second piece. It sure looked and tasted an awful like bologna. I suppose the odds of Capt Cook having come across Hawaiians eating bologna and pineapple pizza is just as likely as any other kind. The crust on this pizza was thin how I like it but it was also coated with what seemed like a dusting of flour which gave it a powdery texture…we get enough of that from the air here, thanks. I think L spoke for all of us when she wrote “Pretty Shite” in the comment section.
My giant $25 Kabob House pizza didn’t fare much better. It looked pretty good and had lots of toppings but was, inexplicably, kind of tasteless. The crust managed to find that elusive state between pleasantly crispy thinness and deliciously fluffy thickness…I’d call it flimsy cardboard. Only M, who eats anything finished an entire piece. The rest of us tossed at least a portion into the bin. Yes, it’s a little unfair that it was cold but M is likely right in commenting “I don’t think heat would have saved this one”. L was similarly unimpressed as you can see from her comments at right.
L’s Pizza Hut was middle of the pack on pricing at $16.90. Yeah, $16.90. Don’t they know everything is supposed to be in even dollars here because no one needs to add to the fucking giant pile of pogs they have in their desk drawer. I suggested “It’s probably just a ploy to get tips…you left him the 10 cents right, L?” “No”. I just thought I’d throw that in there. I’m not judging…but you can. The pizza itself was pretty good. It was loaded with jalapenos so was pretty hot. Today, M noted that “Every neuro-receptor I have loves hot food. The rest of my body? Not so much”. Overall, it was a pretty good pizza.
Now we get to the Deli Fresh pizza we waited an hour and seventeen minutes for and, goddamn it, it was really good. He’d gone for the BBQ Chicken pizza. The crust was fluffy and not doughy at all. A bragged that it was the hottest of the four. While L gave Deli Fresh an Overall Ranking of 1st she was moved to write “It’s a bad, bad, bad shop with bad, bad, bad people.” Once again, she captured the mood of all of us. We didn’t want to like the pizza those fuckers prepared. But we did. M suggested that the value for money must be a 5 since it was free but L suggested we should factor in A’s hourly wage which severely changes the calculation.
I developed a complex algorithm which, in layman’s terms, takes the ratings of each of my reviewers and averages them. I noticed, however, that the results of this methodology produced results that differed from those I knew to be accurate. Therefore, I took a page from the book of a certain Republican “statistician” who applied an “unskewing” technique to pre-US-Election polls and, consequently, predicted a Romney landslide. I applied a statistical technique which I like to call “personal bias” to ensure you, my readers, get the best information possible.
In the chart below, you can see the raw, averaged scores for each of the rated categories. I had been pretty certain that fried egg lackness would be a decisive factor but all pizzas scored exceptionally highly in this regard. You’ll also see the raw (i.e. wrong) results for overall average that shows a Pizza Hut win followed by Mamma Mia’s and Kabob House with Deli Fresh taking up the rear. After running it through my unskewing algorithm (which resides only in my frontal lobe), the clear winner is Deli Fresh!
If you’ve got a couple of hours to kill and want a pizza, Deli Fresh is the place to go.
“There’s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.” – Steven Wright