The Colonel and I

The Colonel of Kandahar Airfield

Several years ago when my daughter was in about grade 8, she told us about a little group exercise they did at school in which they were asked “If you could have one super power, what would it be?” My daughter told us that her answer was that she’d like to be able to make others do whatever she wanted. Smirking, my wife gestured to me and herself and said “Yeah, I think you’ve already got that one”. My daughter then asked me how I’d answer that question and I replied “I’d like to be able to eat 4 pieces of Kentucky Fried Chicken without feeling sick”. My kids think I’m weird. I think I have a point (but then again, I always think that…hence this blog).

It’s getting to be a rarer and rarer experience but I occasionally crave KFC. Every time I give in to temptation and get some I always really enjoy the first piece, kinda like that second, tolerate the third then, if I go for a fourth, I feel nauseous about 1/4 way through it. As I mentioned before, it’s at this point that the grease starts to ooze out of my pores and I just feel sullied but the gluttonous part of me wants to keep eating. But I can’t. Ergo, my superpower dream. So, it wouldn’t enable me to foil the evil plots of mad scientists or defend the innocent but I’d be able to sate my craving for sodium and grease. Stop judging me!

While I was home over Xmas, my family and I were out and about and decided to stop in at a fairly new Thai/Japanese place for dinner. We’d eaten there a couple of times before in the several months it had been open and the menu was unique and varied and the food was really good. Well, as we drove up we see that it’s closed despite it being about 6 pm. (Not an unusual occurrence in rural Nova Scotia…I once saw a sign on a diner that said “closed for lunch”). We then noticed the sign that said “All You Can Eat Buffet Coming Soon”. Aaaahhhggg! We have like 5 or 6 “Chinese” restaurants in our area. All of them have the same mediocre buffet featuring chicken balls, rice and that red, sickly sweet “sweet and sour” sauce that, I have it on good authority, is delivered in a giant drum. Ok, to be fair, I should point out that one of the buffets is unique in that it offers sweet and sour hotdogs (barf). This happens to every decent Asian restaurant in our area…they start out being pretty good then very rapidly decide there is no market for anything but all-you-can eat pseudo-Chinese buffets so they start getting their sauce in drums.

The Aftermath

Anyway, it was at this point on our drive that someone suggested KFC. My wife and daughters have an irrational love for those tiny bits of macerated chicken coated in massive quantities of KFC breading and grease that they call Popcorn Chicken. They’re fucking disgusting. The breading to meat ratio is wayyyyyy off. I, however, have a frightening fondness for their day-glo green coleslaw which my wife finds disgusting because “nothing in nature is that colour”.. These forces combined with my previously stated craving overcame our collective intellect and we stopped at KFC for takeout. We bought tons of the stuff: Chicken, Popcorn Chicken, Chicken Strips, Fries, Gravy and Cole Slaw. It was a disgusting oily fowlfest. I got through three pieces, started in on the fourth and began to hate myself. I then swore off KFC forever…again.

So…onto the KAF KFC. I’ve only eaten there once. I had the Zinger sandwich. They’ve managed to capture the distinctive greasiness and sodiumishness of North American KFC. As I was only having one piece of chicken on a sandwich, this was a good thing. This was quite a while ago but I never blogged about it because, as you just read, it wasn’t exactly a fun filled, interesting meal. Sorry about that. That brings me to the spark that put me onto this KFC riddled post.

A fellow working in KAF…military I’m pretty sure…emailed me to see if I’d do a post on the meals he and many others get sent to their work places since they can’t get to the DFAC. We used to get that stuff on occasion when we were still working for the Canadians and it was kinda offputting. I rarely ate it but I do know that just about every meal was chicken and rice. Again, I didn’t write about this stuff because it was kinda boring. Luckily, my email correspondent is more entertaining than I(slightly edited to avoid…erm…problems):

“Hey Kafoodie

We have this conex (we call it a slop box), they bring these big plastic bins of food to it 4 times a day. You can always tell when it has been restocked because there is a fresh gravy trail leading to it.  And of course in the warmer months, the blanket of dead flies outside of the box is a real appetizer. Back in the states, you’d get arrested for something like this, if your customers didn’t get you first.

The food is commonly unidentifiable and frequently we joke that it is camel meat. I will never understand how something can come floating in some sort of gravy or broth and yet pull all the saliva from your mouth with its dryness. Or vegetables that are so overcooked they are clear and devoid of flavor.

I go to the DFAC’s as often as I can.”

Sounds delightful, no? As our correspondence continued, he sent me this gem:

For a treat we thought we’d go to the KFC at the boardwalk. Upon arriving at the order window (after waiting through a line of 10) I place my order for a Mighty Zinger sandwich….

Not "all"...

“What would you like with that?” the clerk asks.
“Fries” I reply.
“We are out of those sir”…
“Then I’ll have onion rings”…
“We are out of those too”…
“How about just the sandwich then”…
“No sir, we only sell whole meals”…
“But you don’t have a whole meal to sell me”…
“I can give you a piece of chicken as a substitute sir”….
“That’s not a meal, a meal is supposed to be at least an attempt at some kind of a rounded dietary plan…what you have is two entrées”…
“It’s all I can do sir”.

So I paid my $10 for a chicken sandwich meal and dropped the extra chicken into the garbage…fast food on the boardwalk.

Reminds me of the time Subway was open when all they had were the sub toppings…no meat, no bread. Or the time the Ice Cream place had no ice cream but was inexplicably open. Or the time Green Beans coffee shop had no coffee. Or the time Burger King had only chicken burgers but wouldn’t tell you that…you had to guess. Or the time….

Bottom Line

Thanks to C, for the stories.

Ya can’t make this shit up. If any other KAF rats have culinary tales to tell, go to the Contact page and send ’em to me. If they amuse me half as much as the KFC story above, I’ll plagiarize publish them.

“Well, let me just quote the late, great, Colonel Sanders. He said, “I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.”- Ricky Bobby

2 thoughts on “The Colonel and I

  1. Sounds like there are lots of other good good KAF food stories out there too. I hope you get some more to post. After you have not plagiarized them, that is…..

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