Oodles of Googles

WordPress blogs like this have a “Site Stats” page that, among other things, shows you which sites have “referred” people to your blog…i.e. where there is a link to this blog that somebody clicked on. Not surprisingly, most of the people reading this thing are notified via Facebook where I and others share it. In addition to the Site Stats page, there’s a tool from Google that let’s you know what Google searches have resulted in your site being displayed in the search results (though not necessarily visited). I use both of these tools as I obsessively track my progress towards domination of the highly competitive KAF DFAC culinary critique blogs industry. In the process, I’ve found some of the shit people Google to be varying degrees of amusing, odd, incomprehensible and/or scary. Here’s a sampling (googled words/phrases in italics and quotes):

About 63,400,000 results(0.42 seconds)

While recent refinements of its word prediction algorithm make Google look psychic…it is not. If you type in some really common word or vague phrase, it will not know what the hell you were talking about so you get a gazillion results. The title of this section for example is what the person who googled “poo” would have seen. What the hell were they thinking? Besides their overwhelming desire to know more about poo, I mean. I hope it was the same person that was looking for “poo poo“; I’d hate to think there is more than one person googling that.

If you find yourself googling “one in the poo” or “pea in the poo“, I suggest you either see a doctor or stop eating peas. I’m really beginning to regret ever writing about poo pond as I would rather not know that this apparently burgeoning poo subculture exists.

At least the person who requested the internet to “define poo” was looking for a specific bit of information but I gotta wonder how one can know what “define” means but not what “poo” means. Don’t ya learn that at about 2 yrs old? He must’ve had those parents who use cutesy names for things to avoid the bad words. I can just imagine the conversation during his first kegger at university:
Roomie: “Oh man, that tequila gave me the shits”
PooGoogler: “Huh?
Roomie: “It’s making me poo, dude”.
Roomie:”Yeah, man, you know, number 2″
PooGoogler:”Oh, I see. You mean a Mr. Bumdiddly.”

And the dude who googled “cigarettes“; ya think he got a hit or two?

Yeah, Google is a great resource and provides access to almost all knowledge of the human race. But, I really don’t think you’re going to find out “who ate all the damn pizza rolls” or “who ate all the pie” by typing it into a search engine. Maybe ask your roommate or the dog. But hey, at least those were complete questions. I doubt, however, googling “covered with what?” provides enough context to allow even the massive interweb to provide an answer.

What, for the love of god, was someone looking for when they googled “onions have layers“? Were they trying to tell the internet this just in case someone else googled “do onions have layers?” It might’ve been more helpful if they had written “I ate all the damn pizza rolls.”


There were many searches that I just couldn’t for the life of me understand.

Iبيتزا هت” and “лимонад” were particularly baffling. I’ve either just put a curse on somebody or developed the unified theory of relativity.

Other than a mass murderer, I can’t imagine anyone needing a “head freezer” and “affliction wings” is just plain weird

If I were developing a new comic superhero, I don’t think “grape man” would be my first choice but someone was looking for him none the less. Perhaps they need him to fight off the “big metal chicken” and “large metal chicken“.

False Advertising

Several people googled things that should never have steered them to my blog and for this I apologize. “Healthy salad“, “delicious steak” and “happy families at home” are so not related to JustDFACSMaam.


Why do people google the things they do? The motivation behind these searches would be great fodder for a psychology paper:
funny watermelon” – Yeah, those gourds are a fuckin’ hoot.
WWE Ice Cream bars” – I just find it sad that they exist.
WWF Ice Cream bars” – Either way past their best before date or they’re shaped like pandas.
Rotisserie Chicken Walmart” – Really? You’re looking to buy some rotisserie chicken and the first place you think you should search for it is Walmart?
how do I tell if a steak is bad“-Let that smell that caused you to google this be your first clue.
can of poutine” – The only thing I can think of that sounds more vile is a “vomit omelette”.

To Each His/Her Own

Then there are what appear to be those in search of particular…umm…interest groups. I assume “speedos” is a Quebecois swim team who call themselves “hot speedos” while in Florida for the winter. The “hot cowboys” and “hot cowboy men” are certainly rival rodeo teams who, I assume, are not wearing speedos.

Someone is evidently doing a school project on mammals and needed a “breasts diagram” and information on “different breast types“.

I really hope that “chemical guys cherry wet wax” is a car polish.

I wonder if the person looking for a funny watermelon thinks a “watermelon ass” would fit the bill.

I am a little concerned about the person looking for “chicken world” (some sort of not very scary Planet of the Apes sequel, perhaps?) but not as concerned as I am about the person googling “chicken ass” who actually ended up at my site.

I Get It

There were a few searches that I can fully comprehend.”Dutch Fries” I’m almost certain is a result of someone being served fries in a Dutch restaurant. They whipped out their iPhone to find out if those wacky Dutch really do put mayo on fries or the restaurant was just outta ketchup. Fucking Dutch.

Having a “knife through head” is pretty serious business that likely requires some sort of action prior to calling the ambulance. Of course, I’d check google to see what I ought to do about the knife in my head.

And, one ought to know what the effect of the “different types of magic mushrooms” are. Preferably prior to the arrival of the purple monkey on a jet ski.

Bottom Line

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Mark Twain

9 thoughts on “Oodles of Googles

  1. You are sooo right in that some of the searches which land people on blogs are weird or scary or just “out there”. This one just today landed some searcher onto my not food-related blog (and I wonder that it wouldn’t have been more appropriate to land them on yours?): “18th century british having dinner” 🙂

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