M is for Monti

In my effort to provide balanced commentary on the DFACS here, I suggested we go to the Far East tonight as I’ve only reviewed it once and not very favourably. So, after turning the wrong way out of our compound (hey, I turned east…made sense to me given our destination), we did a little tour by the gas station, then through the 4 way stop from hell, and then down a little road to the Far East thereby completing about 7/8 of a square. The Far East is actually only a few hundred yards from our compound. Sure, we could have walked but we were already in the SUV when we decided to go there so by then it was too late. So, there was, as is usual at the Far East, nowhere to park. J helpfully suggested that we continue on down the road a few hundred metres as there were a lot of spots at a little compound down there (i.e. ours). I said “Fuck Thank you J, but lets just go somewhere else”. At that suggestion M enthusiastically chirped “The Monti!”. M loves the Monti for reasons he has never articulated.

The Duty Menu

Cornish Hens – an unreasonable facsimile of tonight’s meal

It’s just big boned…

So, I get in line, by-pass the meatloaf and see a sign over what should be the hens that reads “roast chicken”. WTF? Where the hell are my cornish hens? I’ve determined they’re not under the pasta sign or at the “quick snack” area. No, once again the Monti has pulled the old bait and switch. So I got the fucking chicken. In my shattered state I even forgot to ask for a leg and broke rule #3. The breast was predictably dry although not horribly so. I pretended it was a Cornish hen on steroids and made do. It was adequate whereas I had been anticipating awesomeness.

Peach iced tea is kinda gross. It’s like regular iced tea with lint added. I don’t like it. I do, however, love iced tea..with lemon or without. So, if you’re going to label something “iced tea” it should damn well be just iced tea or iced tea with lemon not the peach iced tea it was tonight. Goddamn it, Monti needs some serious signage supervision. The other choices were all Tang variations so I would’ve chosen the peach shit as the lesser of 4 evils even if it were properly labeled…but still.
How About a Nice Steak and Colon Pie Instead?After getting my chicken, I noticed meat pies looking all yummy and factory-made in their little tin foil plates. Then I saw the sign above them: “Steak and Kidney Pie”.  I’m a pretty adventurous eater and will try pretty much anything but I’ve had steak and kidney pie before…once. “The kidneys remove wastes and water from the blood to form urine. Urine flows from the kidneys to the bladder through the ureters.” Eww…just…eww.  So, I passed up the opportunity to experience that again. J, on the other hand, got one.

Unfinished pee pie – It would probably smell ok with a side of urinal puck.

When he cut into it at the table, he commented “Oh yeah, definitely some urine odour happening”. Then, for reasons buried in his brain stem, he ate some. He commented again on its pee-i-osity and calmly set down his knife and fork. “Aren’t you going to finish your pie?” I asked. “No fucking way”, he answered as his fore-brain took over.

It’s disappointing that the only sign that was accurate was the one that I wish wasn’t.

Perfect End to An Adequate Meal

The assorted pies tonight included 5 cherry pies and 6 pieces of apple pie! The apple, as usual was mass produced perfection and made me forget all about the giant cornish hen.

Bottom Line

The Monti consistently misleads with its menus and signs but just as consistently provides pretty decent meals. The Mexican stuff you can almost always find under the pasta sign makes this place a safe bet any night of the week…just make sure you get a positive ID on all the food before you decide what to get.

2 thoughts on “M is for Monti

  1. You almost took me in with the first pic of the cornish hen….but then I thought…there is no friggin way that is KAF food ! Too funny !! I dont know how you can surivive for years on that stuff though. It is like that movie about the guy who tried living on McDonalds, the odd meal, okay, six month tour, okay, but years !!! LOL !!

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